It’s Time We Had A Talk… About Twilight

January 22, 2009 at 7:15 pm (Uncategorized)

Okay. First thing’s first. I’m going to say things that Twilight fans will probably not like. In that case, you can just simply plug your ears and hum Bella’s Lullaby, or better yet — leave this post right now. Go to another one of my posts where I’m not high on bitchiness. If it’s even possible for you to find one of those. And most importantly of all: Do not flame. Please. This is opinion, not fact. If you’re mature, you will recognize that and let it be.

Now. As you probably noticed by now, I’ve decided to stay on the light side. Which is the Anti-Twilight side. A few months ago, out of the fact that I’d been home all day, none of my friends were really around, my mom wanted to see it, and I was bored out of my flippin’ mind… I saw Twilight (the movie)  on opening night. And let me tell you, Twilight fans… Your reactions are far worse than the actual series. Hey! I said your reactions not you. One example:

The preview for another movie was playing. It was for Adventureland. Now, I understand that Kristen Stewart is in that movie. As soon as her face popped up in the preview, the entire theatre was filled with screams, gasps, sighs, and things like “OMG! THAT’S BELLA!” … The previews for God’s sake! The friggin’ movie hadn’t even started, and they were already dancing in their seats!

Then after a while, we thought another preview was coming. Ah, but I was wrong, because a voice said, “I never quite thought I’d die like this.” Or something like that. The place lit up with claps and squeals.

Then, as soon as Edward appeared, more of that.

When Edward opened the door for Bella, there was a frickin’ bomb of clapping.

When Edtard was all, “I want to try something. Hold still.” They acted as if they’d never seen somebody kiss. And after it took Bella and Creepward forever to kiss, they yet again exploded.

When it came to the fight, some lady next to me was wailing and screaming as if she was the one getting the crap beat out of her. I think the lady next to me screamed more than Bella.

And that’s just the fans reactions. Let me tell you something. In all my years, never have I seen (in less crude terms) such a psychotic movie. Edtard sparkled. It looked like he’d been in a vicious fight with glitter. And lost not just the fight, but the rest of whatever sanity was left in him.

Acting-wise… it was alright. The most realistic characters were Jessica, Mike, Eric, and Angela. I must admit, James was quite attractive; more than Creepward, dare I say. When I spotted SMeyer… the thought that went through my head was: ‘Are. You. Serious?‘ Whoever had that idea obviously thought it would be kind of cute or amusing. It was neither. Quite frankly, it made me hate Meyer even more.

Now, on to my favorite part of this post… The book reviewing! I understand that this has been said many times already, but I feel that writing this is the only way to get the point across.

First and foremost: SMeyer does a very splendid job at abusing and disregarding the laws of the universe, logic, and a little something I like to call common sense. Fun fact: Common sense actually isn’t all that common! SMeyer displays this very well. And to supply my explanations, I shall add in quotes, thanks to http://www.twilight-quotes.com/books/twilight.

  1. “Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.” Wait… what? Vampires can sparkle? Since when? And according to what laws of sanity the universe? First of all, after a number of years, dead people do things like this: get pale, lose hair, and various other decomposing things. Vampires of fiction have gotten away with having hair for a while, so it’s off the hook. But, under no circumstances whatsoever should skin ever sparkle from natural or unnatural causes. Unless body glitter is involved.
  2. “His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn’t why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.” Could it be a power? No… Could it be static shock? Well, seeing as though Edtard is made of marble and marble doesn’t conduct electricity,  it can’t be a static shock… Was this occurrence ever explained? Noooo. Was this absolutely meaningless and stupid? Yeeessss.
  3. “His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn’t why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.” – “I vividly remembered the flat black color of his eyes the last time he’d glared at me — the color was striking against the background of his pale skin and his auburn hair. Today, his eyes were a completely different color: a strange ocher, darker than butterscotch, but with the same golden tone.” – “A low oath made me aware that someone was with me, and the voice was impossible not to recognize. Two long, white hands shot out protectively in front of me, and the van shuddered to a stop a foot from my face, the large hands fitting providentially into a deep dent in the side of the van’s body.” – “People can’t smell blood.” – And various other quotes that would otherwise make this very, very long. Bella. Are you friggin’ stupid? For fuck, the damn clues were everywhere.
  4. “I’ve never had a boyfriend or anything close. I didn’t go out much.” So Edtard was Bella’s first beau, and vice versa. So instead, Bella frolicks in meadows with the fifth first guy that likes her. Interesting.
  5. “If you didn’t smell so appallingly luscious, he might not have bothered. But when I defended you… well, that made it a lot worse. He’s not used to being thwarted, no matter how insignificant the object. He thinks of himself as a hunter and nothing else. His existence is consumed with tracking, and a challenge is all he asks of life. Suddenly we’ve presented him with a beautiful challenge — a large clan of strong fighters all bent on protecting the one vulnerable element. You wouldn’t believe how euphoric he is now. It’s his favorite game, and we’ve just made it his most exciting game ever.” Plot: Zzzz…. huh? What’s all the ruckuss? WHAT?! I’m actually making an appearance now?! Oh, happy day! I’ve been neglected for so long!
  6. “I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.” Tell me how watching someone sleep (when the victim isn’t aware of their observer) is not entirely creepy and of the stalker-ish nature. I’d like to know.
  7. On to Breaking Dawn, and with no quotes this time. I have just three things to say:
  • If a woman vampire can’t have a child, then how can a male vampire impregnate anyone?
  • Since when do vampires read minds, see into the future, and have other special powers?
  • Meyer… Why do you feel the need to say these things about vampires that just aren’t true?
  1. Oh… I give up. There’s too much of this lack-of-logic, and in only one book.

Last but not least, Creepward’s car is a Volvo S60R. You know what that means! Correct! It’s not environmentaly friendly! The Cullens live forever, yet they’re not taking care of the fictional environment that they must live in forever. No wonder it rains so much in Forks.

More lovely arguments as to why we Anti-Twilighters exist:

And, for the record, I am not a  jealous, surly little fiction writing teenager, who is unhappy that Meyer has published this and that and blah, blah, blah. Alright, I’m a bit surly, but only to people who piss me off. That includes SMeyer. Anyway, I’ve written a good amount of material over the past two years. (Of course, two years ago, I started getting serious about writing.) I have a book out there on the internet, and you can order it as well. I haven’t sent it to a publisher yet because, well, I think it kind of sucks. I think this when I go back and read it, maybe a few months after yet another round of editing.

My point is, I write for myself. I write because if I didn’t, then my brain would explode. I know I need to improve on my writing. But I have school to go to. I have homework. I have friends. I have karate. If my parents actually bug me enough, within the next few months, I’ll have a job. And even though I try hard to not be busy, I have a life. So, if someone catapults a flaming mass of questions or accusitions – such as ‘Do you have a multi-million selling book, translated into *insert big number here* languages?!’ or ‘You’re just jealous that she can write 4 novels in 4 years!’ – I will kindly point you in this paragraph’s direction.

Good day.

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