Coulisse’s Blog

So… I was feeling… spontaneous today. I’d felt the same way yesterday, but hadn’t acted on it. Today, I did. I got up, grabbed the house phone (not my cell phone, unfortunately) and headed towards the back door. Locked. Damn. So I went to the key box and sifted through a couple pairs of keys. Tried a few sets. Nothing. So I definately spent about five minutes doing that. Then I thought ‘Screw it. I’ll just go out the front door and bring the home phone with me.’ So, I grabbed a key from the key box that looked like my key to the front door. (I was too lazy to go and grab that one from my room). I locked the handle from the inside, stepped out, then closed the door behind me. Then I thought, ‘Hey, I should probably lock the dead bolt.’ So I put the key in the hole, attempted to turn it, but it wouldn’t budge. I tried a few times, thinking it was just the humidity being a bitch. But no. I’d grabbed the wrong key.

So basically, I spent about an hour in my back yard, shooting hoops with a beat-up soccer ball, with no shoes, no watches or clocks, and only a home phone. I thought, ‘Okay, this is fine. Mom will be home soon, and she’ll let me in and this will all be done…’

Then soon, the clouds rolled in. Massive grey clouds.

Me: ‘Ooooh, scarrrry. Big grey clouds! What ever shall I do?!’

Nature: Fuck you. (THUNDER)

Me: ….shit.

So yeah. Luckily my mom got home just a few mintues before it started to rain. So that was… lucky. I guess. Sort of. Whatever.

And we can’t forget, all the while I was talking to myself! Yessir, my neighbors that were in their backyards doing graden work and stuff probably looked up and thought, ‘She never was very normal. I new she’d crack in the teenage years. Probably schizo. I wonder how high her dosage is…’

(No insult to schizophrenics everywhere.)

And to top it all off, I had “Jizz in my pants” stuck in my head. Thank you, internet. Thank you so very much. I’ll remember this when I’m older and choosing… well. Nevermind. This was because of a friend. It would be ind of an insult to say ‘I’ll remember this next time I’m choosing friends…’. Yeah.

So. Now I’m totally gonna not tell anyone else about this. Expect I will. Really. Yeah. Bye.

(NOTE: I’m too lazy to do any segments or bits or whatever today. Heh.)

So we meet again. I have the school day off today, so some major vegging will be done today. But that’ll be interupted by homework and the possible softball game I may have today.

Oh. And I’ve been looking around for rock/alt/metal/screams/etc covers of pop or otherwise songs, but I just can’t seem to find as many as I’d like… I heard two of those covers in Hot Topic a few weeks ago, and I really like them. Well. This paragraph just became somewhat pointless. Oh well.

Now. I’d like to introduce two new, er, segments today. The first:

Something is Gravely Wrong With the World

First off, I know that I’ve recently written a very long paragraph about how much Twilight sucks. But today, we have a special treat! Yes folks, today, we shall see how screwed up things are getting because of this monstrosity.

• The “I’m semi-okay in my mind with” List (Alright, I kinda cheated on that one, seeing as though its from Encyclopedia Dramatica’s Twilight page…)
• Did you know that Cullenism is now a religion?

Oh, and here’s a fun fact: Charles Cullen was a serial killer!

Obscure and Possibly Recent Quotes

“GREAT SCOTT! I had no idea that rodents had recently grown wings!” -Me

“You know, while watching that episode of House, I thought that people could actually live together happily and love each other after marriage. But NO! Turns out the wife was poisoning the husband! That just convinced me that people can not live together happily or forever!” -My friend. Marone. Who is cynical about marriage.

Two epiphanies came to me over the weekend. The first one is that I can’t do 3 hours of workout within a 4.5 hour block. It just won’t work. I learned this the hard way after going to softball tryouts for my school. Maybe an hour and a half or less, I was in karate. It was alright at first, but after getting wailed on… yeah. It wasn’t the prettiest sight or scene.

The second one: A few months ago, my fellow karate class mates were talking about a relationship. Two class mates had dated, but then they split. Then, someone claimed they split because the guy wanted to “protect her from being hurt”. Then, this is where it gets good. An at-the-time red belt, who is a guy, a senior, and probably respectably cool, said the following: “Whoa. Your relationship is a lot like Twilight!” Now, I’m not sure what’s more scary; the fact that the connection was made and that it’s an accurate connection, OR the fact that a guy had made the connection. Any guy in my karate class saying this would be weird. I think the males of my class are masculine enough to not follow something so femminine, hopeless romantic like, and horrible.

In all of my years, I have never heard the idiom “Read the riot act”, which means to warn someone of their misbehavior and the consequences of it. (I think).

And just because of things that have been going on lately, I think it’s best that people know this: No one ever has the right to hurt you, be it physical or verbal abuse. My karate instructor basically said this, but I felt it was nessicary to mold it to more of a universal level.

Okay. First thing’s first. I’m going to say things that Twilight fans will probably not like. In that case, you can just simply plug your ears and hum Bella’s Lullaby, or better yet — leave this post right now. Go to another one of my posts where I’m not high on bitchiness. If it’s even possible for you to find one of those. And most importantly of all: Do not flame. Please. This is opinion, not fact. If you’re mature, you will recognize that and let it be.

Now. As you probably noticed by now, I’ve decided to stay on the light side. Which is the Anti-Twilight side. A few months ago, out of the fact that I’d been home all day, none of my friends were really around, my mom wanted to see it, and I was bored out of my flippin’ mind… I saw Twilight (the movie)  on opening night. And let me tell you, Twilight fans… Your reactions are far worse than the actual series. Hey! I said your reactions not you. One example:

The preview for another movie was playing. It was for Adventureland. Now, I understand that Kristen Stewart is in that movie. As soon as her face popped up in the preview, the entire theatre was filled with screams, gasps, sighs, and things like “OMG! THAT’S BELLA!” … The previews for God’s sake! The friggin’ movie hadn’t even started, and they were already dancing in their seats!

Then after a while, we thought another preview was coming. Ah, but I was wrong, because a voice said, “I never quite thought I’d die like this.” Or something like that. The place lit up with claps and squeals.

Then, as soon as Edward appeared, more of that.

When Edward opened the door for Bella, there was a frickin’ bomb of clapping.

When Edtard was all, “I want to try something. Hold still.” They acted as if they’d never seen somebody kiss. And after it took Bella and Creepward forever to kiss, they yet again exploded.

When it came to the fight, some lady next to me was wailing and screaming as if she was the one getting the crap beat out of her. I think the lady next to me screamed more than Bella.

And that’s just the fans reactions. Let me tell you something. In all my years, never have I seen (in less crude terms) such a psychotic movie. Edtard sparkled. It looked like he’d been in a vicious fight with glitter. And lost not just the fight, but the rest of whatever sanity was left in him.

Acting-wise… it was alright. The most realistic characters were Jessica, Mike, Eric, and Angela. I must admit, James was quite attractive; more than Creepward, dare I say. When I spotted SMeyer… the thought that went through my head was: ‘Are. You. Serious?‘ Whoever had that idea obviously thought it would be kind of cute or amusing. It was neither. Quite frankly, it made me hate Meyer even more.

Now, on to my favorite part of this post… The book reviewing! I understand that this has been said many times already, but I feel that writing this is the only way to get the point across.

First and foremost: SMeyer does a very splendid job at abusing and disregarding the laws of the universe, logic, and a little something I like to call common sense. Fun fact: Common sense actually isn’t all that common! SMeyer displays this very well. And to supply my explanations, I shall add in quotes, thanks to http://www.twilight-quotes.com/books/twilight.

1. “Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.” Wait… what? Vampires can sparkle? Since when? And according to what laws of sanity the universe? First of all, after a number of years, dead people do things like this: get pale, lose hair, and various other decomposing things. Vampires of fiction have gotten away with having hair for a while, so it’s off the hook. But, under no circumstances whatsoever should skin ever sparkle from natural or unnatural causes. Unless body glitter is involved.
2. “His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn’t why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.” Could it be a power? No… Could it be static shock? Well, seeing as though Edtard is made of marble and marble doesn’t conduct electricity,  it can’t be a static shock… Was this occurrence ever explained? Noooo. Was this absolutely meaningless and stupid? Yeeessss.
3. “His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn’t why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.” – “I vividly remembered the flat black color of his eyes the last time he’d glared at me — the color was striking against the background of his pale skin and his auburn hair. Today, his eyes were a completely different color: a strange ocher, darker than butterscotch, but with the same golden tone.” – “A low oath made me aware that someone was with me, and the voice was impossible not to recognize. Two long, white hands shot out protectively in front of me, and the van shuddered to a stop a foot from my face, the large hands fitting providentially into a deep dent in the side of the van’s body.” – “People can’t smell blood.” – And various other quotes that would otherwise make this very, very long. Bella. Are you friggin’ stupid? For fuck, the damn clues were everywhere.
4. “I’ve never had a boyfriend or anything close. I didn’t go out much.” So Edtard was Bella’s first beau, and vice versa. So instead, Bella frolicks in meadows with the fifth first guy that likes her. Interesting.
5. “If you didn’t smell so appallingly luscious, he might not have bothered. But when I defended you… well, that made it a lot worse. He’s not used to being thwarted, no matter how insignificant the object. He thinks of himself as a hunter and nothing else. His existence is consumed with tracking, and a challenge is all he asks of life. Suddenly we’ve presented him with a beautiful challenge — a large clan of strong fighters all bent on protecting the one vulnerable element. You wouldn’t believe how euphoric he is now. It’s his favorite game, and we’ve just made it his most exciting game ever.” Plot: Zzzz…. huh? What’s all the ruckuss? WHAT?! I’m actually making an appearance now?! Oh, happy day! I’ve been neglected for so long!
6. “I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.” Tell me how watching someone sleep (when the victim isn’t aware of their observer) is not entirely creepy and of the stalker-ish nature. I’d like to know.
7. On to Breaking Dawn, and with no quotes this time. I have just three things to say:

• If a woman vampire can’t have a child, then how can a male vampire impregnate anyone?
• Since when do vampires read minds, see into the future, and have other special powers?
• Meyer… Why do you feel the need to say these things about vampires that just aren’t true?

1. Oh… I give up. There’s too much of this lack-of-logic, and in only one book.

Last but not least, Creepward’s car is a Volvo S60R. You know what that means! Correct! It’s not environmentaly friendly! The Cullens live forever, yet they’re not taking care of the fictional environment that they must live in forever. No wonder it rains so much in Forks.

More lovely arguments as to why we Anti-Twilighters exist:

• Pattinson disses Meyer
• Twilightsucks.com
• I Want to Beat Edward Cullen with a Stick
• Twilight Trouble: A Review
• Twilight: Worse than MTV
• Twilight: Fan-Girl Trite

And, for the record, I am not a  jealous, surly little fiction writing teenager, who is unhappy that Meyer has published this and that and blah, blah, blah. Alright, I’m a bit surly, but only to people who piss me off. That includes SMeyer. Anyway, I’ve written a good amount of material over the past two years. (Of course, two years ago, I started getting serious about writing.) I have a book out there on the internet, and you can order it as well. I haven’t sent it to a publisher yet because, well, I think it kind of sucks. I think this when I go back and read it, maybe a few months after yet another round of editing.

My point is, I write for myself. I write because if I didn’t, then my brain would explode. I know I need to improve on my writing. But I have school to go to. I have homework. I have friends. I have karate. If my parents actually bug me enough, within the next few months, I’ll have a job. And even though I try hard to not be busy, I have a life. So, if someone catapults a flaming mass of questions or accusitions – such as ‘Do you have a multi-million selling book, translated into *insert big number here* languages?!’ or ‘You’re just jealous that she can write 4 novels in 4 years!’ – I will kindly point you in this paragraph’s direction.

Good day.